


CatNip

by firecat



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Carnal fascination, Cats, F/M, Gen, Headbutting, Lucifer hates cats, Nipping, No cats are harmed, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:14:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23959033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firecat/pseuds/firecat
Summary: Lucifer appeals to the mischevious carnal urges in many. Occasionally he is not too happy about it.
Relationships: Chloe Decker & Lucifer Morningstar, Ella Lopez & Lucifer Morningstar, Mazikeen/Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 83





	CatNip

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first post in almost a decade! I've tried to figure out all the ratings, warning, and tagging etiquette, but I'm not sure I got it right; I would welcome input along those lines. 
> 
> Has not been beta-read; editorial corrections also welcome. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“Come on, Luci,” pleads Ella Lopez, the LAPD's forensic expert. “You’re really popular. My friends tell me all the time they would do _anything_ just for one of your smiles. Lots of other celebrities are doing one. It’s for a good cause!”

Lucifer is having none of it. “I’m supposed to be the champion of bad causes, not good causes! At least that’s what humans are always saying, blaming me for their poor choices,” he argues. “I’m supposed to have convinced them to go ahead and take advantage of their drunk friend, or steal a single mom’s rent money. How does ‘take it from the Devil, you need to adopt a cat’ fit in?”

Ella is undeterred. “Well then, this is your chance to let people know what you’re really like!”

“Absolutely not! Besides, I hate cats.”

Ella’s eyes go wide. “Lucifer! How can you tell me you hate cats?" All at once she bursts into tears. "This is like...like...finding out Underdog poisoned Sweet Polly Purebred’s grandmother!” 

Lucifer uncomfortably puts his arms around her. She hammers her fists into his chest for a moment, then tears away and runs out of the room.

***

“Lucifer, what did you do to Ella?” demands Chloe some time later. “If you hurt her, then after I’m finished with you, not only will they not be able to find your body, they will not be able to find your component molecules.”

“Oh, I like it when I make a woman so hot she wants to rip me to atoms,” he smirks, although maybe his heart isn't in it as much as usual. He easily dodges Chloe’s swat. “My dear Detective, I only told her the truth.”

“About what?”

“I hate cats.”

Chloe’s eyes blaze. “You _what?!_ Ella has won the LAPD's ‘most volunteer hours’ award five years running because of how much work she does at the homeless cat shelter. She has the name of every cat she’s ever cared for tattooed over her heart. She has every Hello Kitty collectible ever made. And you told her—!”

“I had to, Detective! She asked me to be in a video where I” (he shudders) “introduce an adoptable cat. I mean, not only does that mean I have to say nice things about the miserable creature — which means I have to lie — I have to be _in the same room_ with it!”

***

“Pleased to meet you, Mr Morningstar. I’m Samuel Vasquez, the director of the shelter.” He invites a disgruntled Lucifer to enter the room. Ella and Chloe are right on his heels. They’re not going to let him slip away. “Just sit here in front of the camera. Yes it’s just a cell phone on a tripod. We want to save every penny for the animals. Dakari here is a volunteer and also works as a makeup artist; he’ll touch you up. Do you have a headache? You look a little uncomfortable.”

“Just get on with it,” Lucifer snarls.

Vasquez is disappointed. Not that he expects celebrities to be enthusiastic about charity work, but it would be nice if they could at least be civil. 

And what’s with the motorcycle leathers? In the videos Vasquez had seen of Lucifer, he’d been expensively dressed in a tailored purple suit over a button-down shirt. He thought that a cream tabby cat would contrast nicely, and there was one currently up for adoption, a beautiful longhair named Amber. But he supposes beggars can’t be choosers.

“We’re going to bring several cats in, so that we can see which one gets along with you the best.” He gestures to three people holding cat carriers and wearing volunteer t-shirts. “Let’s bring them now.” The volunteers disappear. 

“Oh my Dad, _more than one_ of them?! Please no.”

“Lucifer,” says Chloe in a disapproving voice (Lucifer has ranked them; this one is a level 7 out of 10 disapproval), “you _promised_ Ella you would do this without any more fuss. What about that thing you always say—”

“Yes, Detective, all right, I know, I know. My word is my bond. I promised. I will do the thing.”

The volunteers reappear, juggling three cats. “I’m sorry, Mr Vasquez,” says the one with Annabel on her name tag. “They wouldn’t go into the carriers so we decided to just hand carry them in. They are overexcited today for some reason. I guess they didn’t get enough attention this mo-oor-rning!” Her voice rises as she attempts to keep hold of her cat, a floofy long-haired cream tabby. The cat escapes her grasp and leaps to the floor. “Oh no I’m sorry! Don’t worry, Mr Morningstar, she’s very friendly. Her name is Amber...”

The other two cats, a Siamese and a Tuxedo, also wriggle free of their handlers. The volunteer tagged Chandi jumps to shut the door so the cats won’t escape. 

Lucifer is gritting his teeth as the three cats immediately head over to investigate him. 

They’re rubbing their cheeks against his shoes.

They’re climbing his legs into his lap.

The Tuxedo is on Lucifer's shoulder, licking his ear. Even standing behind the woman handling the camera, whose name tag reads Jasmine, Chloe can hear the cat’s rumbly purr. 

The Siamese leaves off marking Lucifer's shoes as hers and heads for higher ground too. Now she’s nuzzling into his armpit. 

The cat on Lucifer's lap, Amber, is rolling back and forth, waving her paws in the air, making excited mewing noises. 

The Tuxedo begins licking and chewing Lucifer’s carefully coiffed hair. 

Lucifer is sitting utterly motionless, his hands held away from his sides, an expression on his face that puts Chloe in mind of that famous Edvard Munch painting. 

“I hate cats,” he whispers. “This is why.” 

“What is going on?” wonders Vasquez.

“I _know!”_ says Ella. “So weird! Man! I’ve helped with several of these videos, and the cats never behaved like this...Lucifer, did you rub yourself with catnip?”

“I _am_ catnip,” he grits under his breath, but no one hears.

Jasmine, the camera woman, gazes enraptured as Amber, the fluffy cream tabby, repeatedly shoves her head into Lucifer’s crotch: “You know,” she whispers confidentially to Chloe, “I understand why she is doing that. I would take her place in a hot second.”

Chloe chokes a little and hides her head in her hands. 

“Because _of course_. I should have known!” she mutters to herself. 

Amber is now playfully biting.

Volunteer Matsu leaps into action. “Let me take her, Mr Morningstar.” He tries to shove his hands under the floofy cat's belly. This brings him into close proximity to certain areas, and Lucifer twitches and yelps. Matsu picks up the obsessed tabby, unhooking a few claws that she’s latched into Lucifer’s leather pants. This draws another flinch from him. 

The cat mewls piteously, struggling in Matsu’s hands. 

“I’ll take her back,” he announces.

Annabel opens the door for him.

Outside the door are several concerned-looking volunteers. And now inside the door are half a dozen more cats with a single goal in mind.

“We’re sorry!” cries a volunteer named Tai. “One of them jimmied the clasp on their shared room, and they all made a beeline here for some reason...”

Ella jumps up and down clapping. “See, I _told_ you some of them could work the clasp!” she announces to the room.

Lucifer suddenly springs up, dislodging several cats from their enthusiasms over various parts of his anatomy.

“I surrender! Take me,” he half-sobs, and flings himself onto the floor, stretched out Vitruvian-Man style. Eight cats waste no time covering him. Jasmine and several other volunteers appear very tempted to join them.

A little beeping noise announces that the cell phone camera has run out of storage space for more video.

“You _videoed_ that?” Chloe hisses at Jasmine. “You videoed _that?”_

“I just started it for a second to check the lighting,” Jasmine says, wide-eyed, “and then all Hell broke loose.”

***

Back in Lux's hot tub with Lucifer, several hours and several tubes of antibiotic ointment later, Maze is far too amused. She draws a fingernail over a scratch on Lucifer’s cheek. 

“We knew you brought out the dark, mischevious carnal urges of all humans, but who knew it extended to other species?” she muses.

“I did,” Lucifer says mournfully. “Only _Felis catus_...that I know of. But that’s bad enough.”

“Then why did you agree to do it?”

“I was... _manipulated._ Ella Lopez, LAPD forensics specialist and handmaiden of Bast — I said no, I didn’t like cats, and she _wept all over me.”_

Maze shakes her head. “You? The eons-old Ruler of Hell, manipulated by the tears of a human in her 20s who eats Hello Kitty–shaped waffles for breakfast? You are changing way too fast for my comfort.”

“Most of the time it’s exciting that I’m changing, but tonight it just _stings.”_ He winces as Maze applies ointment to his armpit. 

“Because that detective was there. You’re only vulnerable to physical damage when she’s around. If you had to go through with the cat video, why didn’t you at least ditch her?”

“She refused to leave. She was worried I’d hurt Ella again.”

“Well, then, why didn’t you leave when the cats...started in with all their love nips?”

“You know how it works, Maze. I promised. So I had to see it through.”

Maze lowers her head to re-inspect some of her earlier ministrations. She chuckles. “To think...they might have chewed _him_ right off.”

“Ow! Don’t _you_ start in on him now, Demon. He’s had enough attention from sharp teeth for one day.” 

“In all the millennia we’ve known each other,” Maze muses, regret faintly discernible in her voice, “I never thought I’d hear those words pass your lips.”


End file.
